Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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