Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
