Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
