if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
sex in a hospital.. check
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
