She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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