I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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