did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
