at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
