I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
