Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
