So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
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I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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