you would pick up someone in the library
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize