Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
