Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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