this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
