my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
