i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
40s are totally the cure
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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