Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
