y did u give ur computer a hand job?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
