Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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