i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
