my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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