and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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