dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
