so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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