I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing