remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.