i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.