last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
