the condom got lost in my hair
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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