so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
