so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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