then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
