one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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