I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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