i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
