plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
