u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
