I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
