i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
