I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
