I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
