saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
