Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
