so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
