I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
