I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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