Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
jump out the window naked night went bad
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