he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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