My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
