I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
