um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
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You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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