There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
did i just pee glitter
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