I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
organizing the empties. That sober.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
