just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
