I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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