Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
