let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize