Moan for me like Helen Keller
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
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This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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